We are a flash mob of folks spend five minutes all writing on the same topic and then share ‘em at LisaJoBaker.com.
Words from my five minutes on....
WONDER
Wonder.
I have absolutely no idea what direction to go.
And that makes me want to cry because it mirrors much of my life lately. I want to be in a space of wonder like I have been in the past, but it seems like since I have been dealing with the melanoma I have lost the capacity for wonder.
I’m trying so hard to be a good mother, a good friend, a contributor to my community, but somehow every day I feel like my wound is growing deeper, both physically and metaphorically.
I wish I could look at my scar/wound with wonder, but fear sits on top of my ear, gazing down at my wound as it isn’t healing correctly so says my doctor. The spot where the melanoma lived the deepest in my face has had some “stitch malfunction” a very medical term and now there is an amoeba looking spot on my wound that changes almost daily.
I was told three weeks ago we would wait for six to eight weeks and then look again, if there isn’t improvement, more surgery will be needed.
More surgery.
I could so easily spout trite stuff here. Part of me feels really guilty for not being able to leap into the bible verses like I used to, you know Romans 8:28 and all that, but I wonder how on earth I am supposed to see the good in this right now?
I hear about cancer survivors who are so enrapt with life afterwards, but perhaps it is because I still feel like I am in limbo that I just can’t manage it anymore. I just can’t do it.
I want to be in a space of wonder, it is Christmas time. I need to be able to “perform” as if wonder is surrounding me or even nod to wonder. I think I pull it off in front of the kids most of the time, but just now I’ve been sitting here typing away sobbing with my face as still as possible and the salt just stuck to my eyeballs because I don’t want my daughter, who is having her own personal tough time, to know how bad I am feeling.
I’m a few minutes over, but I suppose one moment of wonder in the past week was when I was feeling so alone and God reached out and put his arm around me and reminded me he is my heavenly father all the time. He partners with me on my projects, he shines the flashlight when I can’t see.
He will show me the way back to wonder.
The guidelines for Five Minute Friday -
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And
then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the
person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.
Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this
community..
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© 2012 by Julie Jordan Scott
Julie Jordan Scott has been a Life & Creativity Coach, Writer, Facilitator and Teleclass Leader since 1999. She is also an award winning Actor, Director, Artist and Mother Extraordinaire. She was twice the StoryTelling Slam champion in Bakersfield. She leads Writing Camp with JJS & this Summer will be traveling throughout the US to bring this unique, fun filled creative experience to the people wherever she finds the passion & the interest.
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