This post came from the prompting of Susannah Conway's April Love Letter Challenge.
I've written love letters to my younger selves and I've read many. Today when I sat to write, I was not in the rainbows, unicorns and all hail world peace sort of beauty contestant responses in my letter.
I wrote stream of consciousness style and this is what I came up with today. Do you recognize these younger versions of me?
Here I am at 15 months old (Buddha Julie) 17, 20 and 42 - I have very little documentation of my 30's
Dear Younger Selves,
I saw this prompt today (to write a letter to my "younger self") and I wasn’t very happy about it. I wanted to say “been there done that” but Heraclitis tapped me on the shoulder with the whole “never stepped in the same river twice” philosophy and he knew he got me. On a technicality, perhaps, but he got me.
It is so easy to get almost ridiculous with all of this younger self stuff.
I don’t want to be one of those people who says “everything will be ok little Julie, adolescent Julie, ten years ago Julie” because I’m at the point that I can’t say everything will be ok.
I can’t guarantee everything will be better even. Younger Julies, Your child will die, you will get cancer, you will have a child with autism, you will never have a man be faithful to you – ever. Your kids will move away leaving a hole in your gut worse than you ever imagined, especially since you encouraged their independence. You will know grief better than you ever wanted to, ever.
You will fall down and get up, and get up, and get up. Cliché, but it is in getting up and showing up your legacy will get built.
You can be certain of this: if you are devoted to your own calmness and your own sense of peace and truly want to be a positive influence on as many people as possible, you must mind your opinion, your mouth and your behavior. Things aren’t black and white or even yellow and purple. One plus one may not equal two and what you think might not be right and doesn’t matter much of the time, anyway.
Act in the direction of love, not according to your position on politics or the arts or whether someone just insulted you or your kid or your Mom or your hometown.
Speaking of love, it is horrid and wonderful and unexpected and hard and will help you get through your worst times and sometimes it will cause your worst times. You may be good at detaching, but that isn’t always satisfying. Don’t let your competitive spirit get in the way of a meaningful hug.
Cry openly, laugh loudly and be prepared to embarrass those you love. The ones who matter will keep loving you – even publicly.
There are times you’ll feel abandoned. There are times you’ll get hurt. Mind your opinion, mouth and behavior even when hurt, even when abandoned, even when no one listened to you once on any particular future day and you find yourself tired and hungry and forgot to do the laundry and your only clean panties have issues with elastic. Annie had it right, the sun will come out tomorrow. This next piece is really important. I want to be sure you’re listening.
Contrary to what your mother told you (or will tell you) in the basement on Hawthorne Avenue, write it all down. Document – with passionate truth even when it hurts. Or perhaps especially when it hurts - - because through it is the way to more beauty than you ever imagined. Finally, when I say “mind your opinion, mouth and behavior” what I mean is to be thoughtful before you speak and act, and continually clear your brain of thoughts that are destructive. Sometimes that means you may need to take a respite from some people in your life.
So everything around you won’t be ok and might not get better, but you will be ok and you will be better. You are and you will. It’s raining in Bakersfield in April. Miracles happen. You are here.
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Julie Jordan Scott inspires people to experience artistic rebirth via her programs, playshops, books, performances and simply being herself out in the world. She is a writer, creative life coach, speaker, performance poet, Mommy-extraordinaire and mixed-media artist whose Writing Camps and Writing Playgrounds permanently transform people's creative lives.
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