Thursday, September 5: Pass on some useful advice or information you learned and always remembered.
One of the most horrible situations that cropped up in my adult life came as a result of me making a snide comment about one friend “in jest” that got reported to her by another friend. The one who I spoke off was naturally hurt, but she was also a woman who “wasn’t going to let anyone get away with saying that about her!” so at a meeting where all our mutual friends were present, she stormed into the meeting and just lit into me, yelling about how I was a “small person” and how she “took pity on me” and what a bad job I did in general.
My then six-month-old-daughter Katherine was asleep in my lap as I sat there, cross-legged on the living room floor.
I stayed there, same position, and didn’t argue back at all. I replied things like, “I am very sorry, that is a stupid thing to have said. You are right, I shouldn’t have done such a thing.” And “I am sorry you feel that way,” and each time I didn’t get upset with her or argue back, her ferocity deflated.
She left the room still seething and I imagine later the telephone wires were buzzing with discussion over what happened, but I just kept my cool.
Was I mortified? Was I embarrassed? Was I sorry for saying something really stupid that I shouldn’t say, even and especially in jest? Yes.
Was I angry at whichever friend in that same room passed along what I had said, No. I wasn’t. I basically took time to catch my breath, picked up my metaphorical marbles and went home. My friends in that room stayed my friends. There were no “sides” that I felt, even as some of them felt compelled to recount the times she had talked behind my back about me.
I wanted to wash it all off. I was reminded then to be careful with words always. Check in with yourself and mentally ask, "Will this comment be constructive or potentially destructive?" If I had asked myself that simple question, that void between friends would not have happened. I never felt as easy-going with that particular group of friends ever again. The awkwardness and my sorrow were always there in small remnants, perhaps, but they were there.
The woman who I spoke unkindly of and who came into the room screaming at me eventually moved away. I saw her several times before she did and we greeted each other not exactly warmly, but we didn’t totally avoid one another.
My advice is this: don’t don’t don’t say mean things about one friend to another, even in jest! Only say things to one friend about another that you would say if the other friend was there and even then, think twice about saying it. You are better off not saying it at all.
I can hear my son’s voice in my ear, “How would you feel if that was you she said those things about?”
The fewer words said, unless the words are authentic and positive, the better.
My Mom said it to my sister over and over when we were kids, "Think before you speak!" Conscious thought before blurting whatever pops into your head will change your life drastically.
I hope you never find yourself getting publicly humiliated
by someone you thought was your friend.
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Julie Jordan Scott is a writer, performance poet, Mommy and mixed-media artist. Her word-love themed art will be for sale at First Friday on September 6 in Downtown Bakersfield. Check out the links below to follow her on a bunch of different social media channels, especially if you find the idea of a Word-Love Party bus particularly enticing.
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