May Sarton
I have a girl crush on May Sarton. Many of her words remind me so much of mine. I can imagine myself sitting with her sipping coffee or wine and chatting but being too embarrassed about my… well, not nearly as wise as her….to say much of anything. I imagine sitting with May: the fire is shouting her cracks and giggling with us, the smell of applesauce cooking fills the air and I even notice a cat wandering around purring and finally sitting in a windowsill to watch the birds fly past or nibble on seeds May had put in the bird feeder that morning.
On one of my New England trips I visited the far-out-of-the-way hamlet where she bought her house and is now buried, Nelson, New Hampshire. Many people within forty minutes of this town don’t even know it exists.
I loved it because as we drove, people waved on the sidewalk-free streets, smiling, assuming the only people who visit here are those who belong here. I like to think I did and do belong there.
I imagine after a few moments of just being together and enjoying the scene around me, I would talk to May about my recent cancer surgery for melanoma and my ongoing recovery.
I am closing in on four weeks since my surgery to remove my melanoma (I call her Nora.)
. I never gave much thought as to what my scar would look like or how my face would feel or how long the pain would last. I just knew it was going to happen and I would recover.
I am still recovering. My wound is better in most places but there is – at the core of where the cancer was – a lack of healing. I have learned how to sport a fabulous scarf and also how to trim the sticky edges off large sized band-aids so the tape doesn’t get in my eyes or tug on the outer edges of the heart shaped stitches.
I still cry randomly.
Yesterday I was driving and I brushed something off my face and realized, once again, there was no fine feeling in my right cheek. I could feel a slightly pressure, but it was almost like my fingers were brushing something off someone else’s skin. Or actually, like fingers brushing something off a mannequin.
The skin just doesn’t feel real.
So I cried. And it is ok. I don’t cover up in front of my children, either. Emma has adopted the question I ask her, “Do you want to talk about it?”
When I shake my head no, she doesn’t push. When I start to speak thirty minutes later, she listens.
May asks me the ways I have learned to imitate the trees I cherish.
1. I have learned to grant myself permission to sit things out I would normally attend. Stay rooted
at home and the homes of people who love me.
2. I have learned to take time to rest. Lots of it. A season of it, even. Staying home, cocooning, doing more home based tasks is a good thing.
3. I have learned how to request help as an art form instead of something to be embarrassed about doing. You can’t reach the limbs you need to trim to stay healthy.
4. It is ok to be cranky. Really. Even if it looks like the cranky mood has no apparent cause, just let it out. It will feel better. Drop your leaves when you need to drop your leaves. So what's the big deal, someone else - with legs rather than roots - has to rake them up! Wait for them to teach themselves ways to love it.
5. People will come out of the woodworks to help if they know you need it. Raking, weeding, forging trails, watering you when you need it. On the other side, those who don’t know what to do or how to help love you, too, they just feel awkward. Be sure to make that completely fine, too.
I am still learning to sit like a tree as May advises me. I still need to buy a hat with flaps that cover my cheek so I will be comfortable going out during the day to some of my beloved nature spots.
I may even go to Yosemite this week end.
I will listen for more of May’s lessons there.
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© 2012 by Julie Jordan Scott
Julie Jordan Scott has been a Life & Creativity Coach, Writer, Facilitator and Teleclass Leader since 1999. She is also an award winning Actor, Director, Artist and Mother Extraordinaire. She was twice the StoryTelling Slam champion in Bakersfield. She leads Writing Camp with JJS & this Summer will be traveling throughout the US to bring this unique, fun filled creative experience to the people wherever she finds the passion & the interest.
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