Forgiveness - Who have you forgiven this year and what was the journey like that brought you to forgive them? This prompt comes from Geekin' Hard, etc. To check out what Reverb is all about and to play along, here is a link for you to check out.
This is one of those prompts that tends to bring flying animals out to roam about in my belly. I am picturing the little brown bat I caught sight of flying in the Kern canyon during the day last Spring. She is alive and well and living in Reverb prompts such as this that nudge and chew and put a little bit of fear in the fingers tapping on the keyboard even though they wonder just how smart that action truly is for them.
I tend to know who I should forgive first and foremost, but for some reason, I hold onto forgiveness for this person.
Who am I talking about, you ask? ME.
I am a fast forgiver of nearly everyone else.
Not so with me.
I have written about it, talked about it and yet: the haze of self unforgiveness wraps itself around me, not unlike Pig Pen in Peanuts. Sometimes I know it shows on my face. Flickers of it rise in my cheeks. These flickers are visible only to the most observant get a glimpse, usually when my guard is down.
Quickly the “don’t let anyone see!” drawbridge quickly rises. I miss another opportunity to be transparent and vulnerable.
I have read books on the subject. I have chanted and written of my personal forgiveness but none of these practices have ever stuck long term.
I almost fear admitting this publicly because I don’t want loving people to wander in and prescribe the many ways I could “get better” and “finally forgive myself.”
That is where the victory would be, right? The carrot dangling, the heroines story undoubtedly with tears on my face and an uplifted chin?
Yes, I see Lifetime movie material all wrapped up in this middle aged body.
As I wrote I thought to myself, “What if I forgave myself for being unforgiving?”
“What if I let go of the need to forgive myself?”
“What if I got really brave and talked about these questions with friends, near and dear and far away as well?”
“What if I asked other people to pray for me to have the courage to forgive myself?”
I realize part of forgiveness is similar to in 12 Step Programs where you admit your wrongdoings. Am I willing to do that? I can hear loving people saying, “Write your regrets or mistakes on paper and burn them!”
I know these techniques.
The New Year is coming.
I have a significant birthday on the horizon.
I will aim to bathe myself in the light of love, unconditional love – and do a forgiveness check in weekly until “The big day!” that falls five weeks after Christmas, exactly.
Please keep after me for the results. Perhaps you will love me into my own forgiveness as well or better yet, maybe you will see yourself in my words and choose to bathe yourself in light of love, unconditional love.
I am Julie Jordan Scott ~ and this is one of my Reverb11 posts. This year, the Reverb Community is taking an individualized approach to this life changing initiative. I am answering several prompts a day in short snippets during either a 30 minute or 60 minute wordsprint. I look forward to reading other Reverb11ers writing & if you are unfamiliar, just use the prompt and use the #reverb11 hashtag on twitter. You'll have a blast!
Follow me on Twitter: @JulieJordanScot
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© 2011
Julie Jordan Scott
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