Prompt: Who did you miss?
This prompt came from a mini-muse from Kaileen Elise & her mini-musing via Megan Collier at Everlasting Present.com.
Can anyone else tell me how it feels to have tear-daggers spring to life inside your eyes without any warning?
That’s what this prompt did to me. Even now, recounting the moment. I close my eyes for temporary respite. I think I need a fresh cup of coffee to write this.
It is one of those topics I don’t like to dive into because on some levels it is easier not to admit.
Anyway, the realization hit one day in my therapist's office.
It just came out from nowhere, deep inside me. Chances are, that is WHY it came out. My therapist is tremendously open and willing to ask questions, shepherd my thought, listen and reflect.
Through tears I announced, “I miss Kathie so much.”
My eldest daughter goes to Smith College 3,000 miles from home in Northampton, Massachusetts. I could not be more thrilled with her choice, especially since I foolishly suggested it during her junior year. She is now a Sophomore Religion major who texted me excitedly one day in the past, “I really feel God wants me to go here!”
I am so glad she can go, I say again, knowing that under all of that, an ache in my core when she is gone sits there, dormant, a closed door that I am primarily afraid to open for fear I would waste my days crying and lamenting. Chances are my children still at home would feel neglected and second rate.
I don’t think they know that I will miss them, very deeply, as well when they leave me.
I have this push me pull you relationship with my children growing up. I don’t think I will ever stop worrying about them. I think I will always have them whispering in my ears from their babyhoods until their present selves.
I knew when Katherine was gone the vibe would be different. It is. And it is not because she was ultra responsible and helpful, it is because her presence is absent. Her calm, peaceful, loving presence isn’t here. We all go on, perfectly happy most of the time, yet that Kathie shaped void also sits in the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, the front porch ~ and in the room Emma now sleeps in.
I visited her in October. I was just coming out of a crisis, perhaps the worst four days of my life in early October. A part of me didn’t want to leave home, but I wanted to see her very badly. Then I felt guilty because my affect was so flat and I probably didn’t appear to be having much fun.
And now she is home for Winter Break. I have only shared a couple hours with her during the last three days. Having her here, close at hand, and not under my wing hurts, perhaps more even, than when she is 3,000 miles away.
Who do I want to see more in 2012?
This year I actually saw my extended family more than recent years. That felt so good! I have a tendency to feel like I am on an island here in Bakersfield, separated by more than a mountain range with my siblings in Southern California and my parents and eldest brother in Arizona.
It was great to see my two brothers and my nephew not once, but twice. It was grand to see my cousin, Chelle, and her daughter, Jesyka. They live in Dallas ~ and though Samuel had never met Jesyka, they got along splendidly. They are only two months apart. It was fantastic to watch them play. I saw my sister and her family during my nieces wedding this Summer. At Brittany’s wedding there was at least one major a-ha for me.
When our seat assignments got lost, we were told to just find our seats. I didn’t even think of sitting with my mother, my uncle and my siblings and nephew. I just gathered my chicks and found a table full of strangers. Just like in much of my life, my separation from my family is about me, not them. I elect to be separate. I do not make an effort.
In 2012, this will change.
I also suppose I will have more practice missing Katherine. She is doing an internship this Summer so will be gone for most of it. She is also going to Europe next semester, so she will be even farther away.
I hope to move back East before too long, since she has told me she wants to stay and Emma is also more attracted to east coast colleges.
When I do that, the missing won’t be such a long distance. And I love spontaneous road trips.
Who did I miss in 2012? I missed Kathie and at times, I even missed myself.
More on that in a later reverb11 post!
I am Julie Jordan Scott ~ and this is one of my Reverb11 posts. This year, the Reverb Community is taking an individualized approach to this life changing initiative. I am answering several prompts a day in short snippets during either a 30 minute or 60 minute wordsprint. I look forward to reading other Reverb11ers writing & if you are unfamiliar, just use the prompt and use the #reverb11 hashtag on twitter. You'll have a blast!
Follow me on Twitter: @JulieJordanScot
Did you enjoyed this essay? Receive emails directly to your inbox for Free from Julie Jordan Scott via the Daily Passion Activator. One inspirational essay and poem (almost) every week day. Subscribe here now -
© 2011
Julie Jordan Scott
Recent Comments