Earlier this week I wrote about what I usually don't write about.
My son's autism.
I wrote a poem. And a blog post. And another poem. And today, I took photos to catalogue some of what I am feeling as Samuel goes through a rough patch. The first rough patch in a long time. I was so smug I was thinking all those "autism cures" which I found so... inherently wrong... might be somewhat right after all.
And then this: escalating behavior problems in school. His wholehearted desire to leave school. His inability to express himself, his increased anxiety.
I longed to write about it but felt like I couldn't. It took a writing prompt to make my pencil move and a totally unrelated photo prompt to bring my camera into my hands and then my camera shutter click. And the poems to continue rolling off the keyboard.
The prompt for the photos didn't say anything remotely like, "Take a photo of the angst you feel about your child's autism." The prompt was "a little bit of red."
I stood on my porch, covering text book pages and poetry pages with red. In order to do that, I had to move Samuel's sweat shirt.
It was red. I looked out into the foggy morning as I attached the painted pages on the line to dry. I thought, "Sweatshirt. Red. Samuel. Without Samuel. Fogs. Bluff. Do it."
The "Do it" was a command more than an option.
Five minutes later I abandoned my "must do now" list and converted that into a "must do once this yearning leaves me and the creative process does its thing."
Earlier in the morning I lead a Writing Camp session with the prompt, "My heart guides my writing to say..." My heard had been guiding this huge burst in writing and now it was time to get wordless again, to say the unsayable not with words but with images.
The photos include a sweatshirt of his but is definitely not him.
As I moved and clicked and clicked and moved, I remembered a blog comment from one Dad whose son is on the spectrum said he writes poetry on themes of his son but doesn't use his son as a topic for his poetry.
I wasn't sure I could remove myself like that, but seeing these photos, I see that I can.
Perhaps I will experiment with this more.
One thing I know for certain, I will continue to follow the guidance of my heart while continuing to make those oh-so-logical to-do lists and setting intentions.
And I will continue to give space for the heart's call to creativity to trump the tyranny of the "must do now" list. The "must do now" list is being whittled away. I am probably more productive with it because I listened to my heart's call and acted upon my heart's call. There isn't that pahrump pahrump squeak that comes when I attempt to ignore it.
Plus I am plain ol' happier.
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