Reverb10 offered this prompt by Karen Walrond today:
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
I used to wonder where my "Julie-ness" came from in my family. I always felt so different from everyone else.
I have always been intuitive and have always been ready to morph myself according to others expectations.
It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I awakened to this reality and chose to change it.
2010 has, in fact, been a breakthrough year in this area.
Read these words I wrote back in July:
>>>>
I was called "a romantic" in a newspaper article this year.
When I first read those words, I felt a little pinch on my
self-conscious-ometer.
You know that device: the one that says. "I am different from
the norm and people think I am more than slightly weird or wacky
or perhaps quirky and when they think that, they slap labels on
my forehead which make me feel uncomfortable. This makes me
frown and fret." Lately I have gotten much better at celebrating
those aspects of myself which used to make my self-conscious-ometer
go wild.
I think the last time the self-conscious-ometer was nudged,
it exploded and set me free.
>>>>
It is usually self consciousness that has kept me from expressing myself fully. When I am being 1000% myself and am present in the moment, I act without worrying. I do things like say YES to making music videos that will be on MTV2 for an international audience... oh, yeah, while running down a dirt road in a rather ragged section of town when my wardrobe consists of a dirtied up bra and pajama pants, barefoot. And having a blast.
I choose to get into the river, fully dressed, so that I can feel the cold mountain run off surround me and take me over because "the river called me" and besides, I might get a poem or a great photo out of the experience.
I make voice mail greetings that are different from everyone else, I wear lots of hats, I sing aloud as I walk down the street, the language I use is different - with fun, unusual words seasoning the room. I speak cinnamon and cilantro rather than everyone else's salt-and-pepper.
When the Self-Conscious-Ometer exploded, I was no longer kept in a box created by other people's thoughts or opinions. Guess what? They are only thoughts and opinions! The people who love me love ME for all my quirks and zanyness. I have discovered people actually love me MORE because of my quirks and zanyness.
For 2011, I want to manifest continued personal growth in this area: to continue to honor my uniqueness as well as the uniqueness of the others who share my life, like my children. In writing this post, I found these words from the not-so distant past, when I was struggling with depression in 2008 and about to fire a therapist who belittled me and my Julie-ness, I wrote this:
>>>>
People are so ready to "not get" who we are and are
so prepared to put us into boxes, to cover those boxes
with labels and mark the job "done" that they forget
none of us fit into boxes, we are shaped like human
beings, not cardboard squares or rectangles.
I spent the earlier years of my life trying to boxify
myself, the last thing I would want to do is go back
to that life.
I look at my children, each one so unique and so proud
of having individual flair. The fact that I helped make
them strong in this flamboyant celebration of "me-ness"
is among my most proud parenting accomplishments.
>>>>
There is still the occasional complaint about this, especially from Emma who says things like, "All my life I always wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. How can I do that with a mother like YOU?!"
In wobbly moments of insecurity, it almost makes me want to change back to what I was pretending to be.
Until I get a flicker of "And I wouldn't have you any other way, Mom..." from a previous conversation.
Earlier in this blog post I mentioned speaking the language of cinnamon-and-cilantro as an indication of my uniqueness.
What unique language do you write and speak?
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