I am blessed to be able to create a life based on what I love to do: write, perform, be a Mommy, hang out in nature, read poetry aloud to pleased audiences, get the occasional round of applause and kudos with my theater work, teach teleseminars and writing camps ~ and the flip side of having such a love-filled life is my time gets smooshed sometimes so much that I don't seem to find time to squish in what is most important... sharing the words which are the most important to share.
I have been publishing an ezine and blogging now for going on twelve years. I have so much writing collected it is absurd. So where are the shelves of books bearing my name?
This is where I need to focus and need to eliminate what doesn't serve, what doesn't make space for these unbirthed-books. I need to balance loving my life 1000% and minimizing the constant hub-bub of activity.
I mean, really - do I need to be rehearsing for two one acts, directing another, offering a piece of functional art to a non-profit auction, preparing for two chorus concerts, teaching Sunday School, teaching a program at a local hospital... ALL of this, when what I really want is to write simply one good poem today, one good article and take what I have written over these years and weave THAT into a book (or seventeen at this point?)
If I put on my "get out of your way" mode I know the root cause is fear, probably my primary-gut-visceral fear of being left to die alone. (I know, sounds melodramatic and really, when everything else is stripped away, I think I love conversation and connection with others so much, that I fear not having someone beside me when I leave the planet in physical form.)
With all the death that has surrounded me the past few years, I am seeing more and more that I need to get my books into tangible form.
I need to devote myself to loving the process.
Once this week is over, my theater rehearsals will be down to one: and I have chosen to make this role (Big Mama in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof") be my last for at least a season. I will rehearse one hour a week for the Viking Chorus. I have discovered this style of singing lives, unsung, much the way my books sit, unbirthed. I will take the time between now and when "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" closes to find a way to retreat and get the (big, significant chunk of) writing done. Maybe do a digital and "local art community" sabbatical.
For now, though, I will continue to do my daily writing and my publishing and hold this warm space in my heart to complete the projects that have been brewing so long.
You know, this reverb10 question is affirming because it points me back to what I have known and what I have been aiming toward. Like yesterdays words: momentum to abondanza. This end of 2010 seems to be creating an energetic trajectory that shouts, "Passion rules!" and the next phase, abondanza, is to express that abundantly, cohesively, and in a way that serves inspiration and passion-fire to others.
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