Julie Unplugged

An Unconventional Friendship Comes to a Surprising End: #Reverb10, Day 16

 Reverb Day 16 Prompt - Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

Today I combined running errands with artfulness and contemplation which included my Reverb10 writing. I visited a place I go to gather wood in between visiting my son's school and stopping at the store. I was planning on gathering wood for my fire and hopefully, see some intriguing sights.

I wasn't expecting to see today's prompt take form in images, though.

Reading the Reverb writing of others today before I set out,  I was reminded of my longing for a soul friendship like I once had. I walked along the riverbed, a place we used to adventure, and I came upon a felled tree.

Well, it wasn't any tree. It was a tree that became a friend when there were moments I didn't want to talk or explain or complain, I just wanted to be outside, I just wanted to listen, I just wanted companionship.

I found it with this tree-friend.

 

This is how my tree friend looked last winter:

and how it looked in June 2008, when I wrote a poem of waiting for my friend while spending time with her, the "her" being this tree.

I wait
holding my fluttering heart
in my palm, I watch her

wave in
frightened reassurance
feeling
so vulnerable

She and I

wait 

 

I don't feel like I want to tie this friendship post with a conclusion of any sort.

I took wood from this tree-friend of mine and it is burning in my fireplace.

Perhaps, from that, I will come up with a memorable conclusion.

For now, though, I feel as if the photos say enough.

December 15 Wednesday Wishcast: I wish to soar....

This week Jamie asked the wishcasting crew to wish about soaring -

Here's what was born:

I settle into the word "Soar", really allow myself to climb into it and feel myself soar, I remember my transcendent moments.

Moments of actual, physical soaring.

The first time I let myself become a character in an improv exercise in an acting class: my arm raised, a gathering of angelic beings coaxing me, urging me, pleading with me, "just do it" and as my hand fell I rose and flew and became one with the moment. I soared. I transcended the physical and at the same time was wholly and holy physical.

I don't take this lightly. I seek it, always.

I have been blessed to create the doorway on stage, but lately I have found it in nature, in intimacy, in writing poetry, in poetic performances, in painting.

It has been over a year since I have known transcendent soaring on stage, in character.

I wish to soar in my creative practices: to experience this in character, on stage.

To experience it when I teach writing, poetry, any creative acts.

I wish to experience transcendent soaring when I laugh and play with friends, when I facilitate processes with clients with students with one-minute-friends I meet by chance.

I wish to experience transcendent soaring when I pray, when I sing, when I exercise and dance (which is like prayer and singing combined, oftentimes.)

I wish to experience transcendent soaring with my children, when we go on adventures and discover surprising things and I allow the veil to drop and they allow their veils to drop and we become exactly who we are - soaring, transcendent, connected beings - love personified.

We are - you, me, her, him, that person over there -all capable of transcendent soaring. I wish for us each and all to know this through experience.

I wish....

2010 in Five Minutes: The Best is Yet to Be! #Reverb10 Breakthrough

  


December 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

Author: Patti Digh

I had to finish baking cookies before I could write to this prompt. I knew it would take a certain amount of oomph so as soon as the last cookie was out of the oven, I set the timer and here is what came out:

2010: San Francisco. Golden Gate bridge. Katherine's final times. Birthday party, trip to Sequoia, day at High School, prom dress shopping.

Seeing remnants of fire. Traveling, daytrips with couch surfers and children... tumbling into the moment.

Writing camp. Windchimes. Seeing faces and bright countenances. Teaching silence. Reminding people of the womb of silence as the birthplace of creativity.

Intimacy. Tears. First Kisses. Hugs. Never enough, hugs.

La Femme, again. Transcendence. Gifts received without expecting those gifts. Invitations to Young Artist Residency.

New clients. Boston, Concord and amazement at Concord. Riding the subway. Emma, afraid. Samuel, Gen Ed success. Basketball. Saxophone.

Can I manage all these breakthroughs?

Love, well spent. Poetry chairs.

Poetry flowing. Poetry being as life. Holding hands with life and others, who are beginning to hold hands with life.

Forgiveness. Forgetting the attachment to the sorrow and not forgetting the sorrow.

Breaking through, as in Ellen Bass. The Naturalists. The love and ache for the Naturalists.

Directing. Again. Directing. Again.

There is still a minute left?

Feeling that this is only a beginning, a portal. The Browning Ben Ezra moment of "The best is yet to be..." though I will say... "Grow old with me" in the most romantic way to the world, rather than a one-on-one. A wedding vow to the world.

"Hey world, 'Grow old with me, the best is yet to be!' and actually meaning it.

Laughing and crying over that realization right now. Five minutes is up.

Love,

Julie

The Best Art of the Year #CED2010

I could saturate myself with last Sunday afternoon and  call it, alone, a simple, ecstatic life. My daughter Emma said at the end of the day, "We sure do make great memories."

It was a week ago Sunday that Samuel, Emma and I decided on a spur of a moment to fill a couple open hours with feeding the ducks at nearby (yet far enough away that it feels like an adventure) Hart Park.

What I wasn't expecting was for thirteen-year-old Emma to have so much fun with this peaceful, in nature, activity. Usually she sneers at the mention of hiking or exploring or adventuring, but now it has been two weeks in a row she has gleefully accepted my invitation to feed ducks. This weekend she even overcame a long held fear of geese and sat peacefully with me as I hand fed the Muscovy ducks, which are rather large and have a demeanor similar to (but not as aggressive as) the geese that roam the park which we like to avoid.

When I was a new Mom, a used to invest in books and seminars about making memories with your family. I worked at making memories. As I have matured as a mother and evolved as a human being, I have learned the best memories are made not when we force them, but when we allow them to happen as they will. I never pushed Emma to go hiking or adventuring, but this Spring when we visited Sequoia, she got hooked. If I had pushed or nagged or cajoled, I doubt it would have happened with the same light hearted ease.

Later on Sunday, we went to church for an Advent Family Workshop. This is a long-standing tradition that connects back to my childhood when I used to attend a similar event at my home church in Glen Ridge, New Jersey. At this version at my current church, we make Gingerbread houses among other crafts. The Gingerbread house has been the main focus. The first year of the Workshop was three years ago and our gingerbread house collapsed under our enthusiastic building.

We made two other attempts which always failed until this year, when the house we were given was pre-constructed. As usual, though, our house was unconventional. Samuel made an Elf roof and a reindeer antler wall. Emma made an "E" roof and a Happy Face themed wall. We didn't have a door to our house, because we decided entry and exit were by magic.

We declared our victorious, not falling down house "A Christmas Miracle!"

We had a hayride this year with carolling which we all enjoyed: even Samuel who refused to sing. Next year I am sure he will be eager to attend again and will ask, "Where is they hayride?" if we don't ride it, first thing.

We make memories. We make stories, silly - soulful - reflective of one another's spirt.

We make love visible.

This is my best art, don't you think?

One Oh-so-unsexy-yet-supremely-sexy-and-sacred-response to #Reverb10 Appreciation Prompt

Prompt: Appreciate. What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I used to Poo Poo Gratitude. I thought it was for Stepford Wives or fakes who spouted Gratitude without knowing the meaning of it. And then I started practicing authentic gratitude and everything shifted. I have had a daily gratitude practice for more than ten years now, so one might think this question would be simple for me.  It is and it isn't. Stay with me here.

To be specific: What have I come to appreciate in 2010?

There is something that happens when we ask questions. There are the responses that blurt out. Oftentimes these reflect our souls and oftentimes these are the habitually responses, like pushing "play" and after "How are you?" the response, "Fine" or "ok" or "no complaints" leaps from our mouth without thought.

That's why I had to go on a meandering thought path to get to this oh-so-unsexy-yet-supremely-sexy-and-sacred-response.

In 2010 I have come to appreciate PROCESS.

I have seen surprising and phenomenal results in 2010 from investing focus, energy and the investment in ongoing practice. I am seeing results from projects started and continued. I have gotten more press this year, more opportunities, more gigs - and more fruitful gigs, and more dreams-come-true and most importantly, the most appropriate and supportive ongoing educational plan for my son than I ever set out to manifest. I couldn't have planned most of what has taken place.

There is the fact that I have had an ongoing gratitude practice... yes, for ten years.

The fact that I have been writing my ezines and my blogs for a long, long time... more than ten years for my ezines. Almost 1,000 blog posts on my main blog (that will happen in January.)

The fact that I have volunteered on the Bakersfield City School District SELPA Community Advisory Committee and networked and educated myself and become a passionate advocate for education for all children with Special Needs.

The fact that I have consistently lead teleclasses for years ~ and said "I want to lead more in-person programs" and this year not only have I lead programs I generated, people have come to me and contracted with ME to lead THEIR programs - in one case, I have even gotten free additional training out of the deal.

I appreciate my own tenacity, my own ability to rise and fall with the flow and not let "stuff" get me down along the way.

How do I express gratitude for it? I make my lists, yes - and I continue to give voice to gratitude via sharing on twitter, on 43things, in conversations. I share the joy, widely and happily. I dance it, I sing it, I write it, I hug it, I pass my gratitude along in word-basket-care-packages.

I come alongside YOU and read YOUR posts and express gratitude for YOU, encouraging you to stick with it, to be tenacious, to know darkness doesn't last forever and besides, it isn't all bad when you allow yourself to become grateful for every color of the spectrum... even when some people rotely label those times as dark and dreary, we who love process know the light will come again and it will have a quality of sacredness we wouldn't have known by skimming the surface.

May you be blessed. May you love YOUR process. May your gratitude and appreciation grow. May  you multiply it, today and tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow.

follow me on twitter: @juliejordanscot

What's the Next Step? Take Two Chants Context, my love, Context! #Reverb10 #Riskathon

When I first read Day 13's Reverb10 prompt I thought it was going to be so simple.

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I mean, how difficult is "What's the next step?"

My wise ass self says something like, "Inhale/exhale".

It is true, though, isn't it? Inhale/Exhale. One foot up, one foot down. I am reminded of the Zen proverb:

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

My life coach self kicked in, though, and was reminded how powerful this question is, so I decided to journal it. And when I was journaling, I started to mindmap, and with no time at all I was reminded of the variety of projects on my plate.

I started to breathe shallow breaths. I even felt slightly sick to my stomach.

I quieted my mind chatter enough to let the silence enter with its wisdom intact.

I remember what works when I need to discern the "what's next" so I created something to not only serve me in MY whats next, but something that may assist those of you who got even slightly buried in this prompt OR those of you who just have a lot to do and want to have some fun gathering with some cool people to get it all done.

I created context for myself and for anyone else who wants to play along: a special edition Passion Activator Tuesday. This event is much like some life coaches "accountability days". You call onto a teleconference line and make commitments to do certain tasks, then you do them, then you come back and are affirmed.

I've been holding Passion Activator Friday calls for years now: this is the first time I am holding one completely spontaneously and not even on Tuesday. I know I am taking a risk that no one will even be remotely interested in playing along, yet I know I need to put it out there and I need to show up.

When those of you who feel compelled by community and collaborative support think this may assist you, that is icing on the cake.

And it is taking this prompt and manifesting, immediately. I am so delighted about this... and who knows where it will take us?

Yay! If you want to come along for the productive, conscious, very fun ride, please check out the Passion Activation Blog here.

 

 

Working on Today's #Reverb10 Next Step while relentlessly avoiding a Quagmire of Minutia... (kind of)...

Prompt: Action. When it comes to aspirations, its not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

As has been the case repeatedly in this Reverb10 edition I start down one path with the prompt and a whole 'nothing something' pops in on my way to what I thought was "the answer."

I don't know whether to be giddy or frustrated or ecstatic or depressed.

The simple (albeit powerful) prompt from Scott Belsky has succeeded in knocking me off my feet, off my course and way out of the loop of having any semblance of control.

And it looks so tame and gentle at first:

What's my next step?

This is one of my favorite coaching questions, or a variation of it is "What's next for you?"

I hit my journal to write through this because it felt too easy to be trite or too airy to make the action "catch form fire" so, off I went to my table with my cup of coffee and the earliest traces of a mind map.

I also intuitively wanted to play in the sandbox of "what was my last next step?" and "what did I do well last" and "what did I enjoy last?" as a sort of review-form-fire so that the future-form-fire could be healthy and exceptionally well heated.

I have decided to take this question differently after a weekend of having virtually no keyboard time, I am going to post this in stages.

This is the first/next step of the rough draft/floundering around of ideas.

The polish, the clarity the true-next-step... well, it may come later today or it may... need to steep awhile so it doesn't get sucked into the quagmire of minutia.

2010 Adventures in the Wise (and the Not-so-Wise) #reverb10

On the way to write this blog post I made several wise choices. I chose to write. I chose to drop my writing when a friend texted me and I sensed she needed to talk. I chose to make phone calls about a program I am facilitating and was wise when I took the time to stretch into some one else's shoes when a moment of discomfort popped up. And then, I chose to come back to the page, here, to you -

I made a list of wise choices this year and a sister list of unwise choices.

The short story is I made wise choices when I followed that potent combination of heart-gut-mind. I made some not-so-wise choices when I hemmed and hawed and followed that also potent combination of fears-shoulds-"but I don't want to let anyone down or piss anyone off" mode of action.

After reflection, I arrived at the Reverb10 story I would like to share with you.

It is about choosing, wisely, to keep a friendship alive even though there were times when common-sense told me to chuck it all.

Wisdom and common-sense, you see, are not always synonymous.

I have an unconventional relationship with my friend, Seymour. We started the year together and I imagine we will end the year together as well.

It isn't an ordinary friendship. It is an... interesting, somewhat coherent, saffron and mango enamel paint covered relationship. It gets retextured with sandpaper sometimes, it gets glued, splintered and sometimes it must be handled quite gingerly.

I almost said, "ENOUGH!" on several occasions this year. I wrote poems about severing our ties. I sent inadvertent text messages about the reasons I should back away, wipe my hands clean on the Dagny's paper towels of him.

At the apex of one of my most stressful weeks of the year a text message battle climaxed in "I am just going to have to fire you," he said, referring to a collaboration we were hatching.  Did I mention this was about 1 am? I did mention it was a time of extreme stress? I didn't mention to you, though I did mention to him that I had never been fired before in my life from anything and this was not something I take lightly.

We hung up and I was beyond caring. I sat in my car, shaking my head and waiting to drive for about thirty minutes. I called him to deconstruct what lead up to his "firing me" so that I wouldn't repeat the same circumstance in a future friendship. More blatantly hurtful missives were fired. I thought it was over at that point and I didn't care. He could sense my uncaring and I think that made him even more angry.

Although I can't repave the way to our relational healing (perhaps that will be another #reverb10 post down the line)... something other than an end ensued.

We took a deep breath, reconstructed differently rather than deconstructed completely. My (frustrating for him) performance schedule  speeded up. We together recruited singers for our fledgling Bakersfield Viking Chorus, a project I was initially not very keen on, but in the execution and implementation, I have fallen deeply in love with the concept. I get to sing. I get to sing well. Heaven, anyone?

He still doesn't read my poetry or my ezine or other essays and blog posts I write. He still needs to work on choosing consciousness over default. I need to remember not to resent his attachments. I need to be more flexible and work with his strengths and callings rather than get caught up in tangential details. Who knows where this will go next month or next week or when 2011 comes to December, what wisdom I will share.

For now, it is wise to continue, to stay present, to put one foot in front of the other..... for now.

Party of the Year: The Story of an Invitation and Inclusion ~ A #Reverb10 Blog Post

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

My first thought when I read this prompt was: Party? This year? I wasn't feeling very social. I didn't do the whole party thing. Just didn't want to, don't know why.

And then I decided I needed to write something better than that, so I vanished into my archives and my flickr tags. I saw photos of parties: my birthday, Katherine's birthday, graduation gatherings, friend's celebrations, cast parties. Still, nothing did it until, the one I tagged "Party" on flickr.

I found it there.

A party Samuel attended  for a classmate. At Pump It Up, a kids party place.

Samuel is nine and I can count on one hand the parties he has been invited to attend.

When he was very little he didn't want to attend parties, they upset him too much.

Now he craves invitations.

By the time I was nine I had had more parties than I could count on one hand. I practically filled two hands.

Samuel, one of my life loves, is on the Autism Spectrum. This has made life different for him. Before I knew about high functioning autism and aspergers syndrome, I thought autism came in one form: anti-social aloneness, non-verbal with the occasional rain-man like odd bird thrown in for Hollywood effect.

Parties are a huge deal for Samuel. He wants to be included, longs to be included and often times is at a loss as to how to be included.

When I was invited to a party as a child, it was like "oh, another party, pass the salt."

When Samuel is invited to a party, it is a favored conversation topic for a week.

I gladly sit in an enormous room filled with huge inflatable jumpers and children, unruly and parents, all sitting on edge. I watched our kids play and to "outsiders" they look like everyone else. With the more moderate forms of autism, you have to get closer to "see" it. Its one of the blessings and one of the curses. Our kids are wise enough to know they are different. With each other, they are in sanctuary. Samuel goes to his General Ed classroom at a public school and the other kids are protective of him, but no one seeks him out as a best buddy. He is a loner who doesn't want to be alone.

At his after school, social skills program everyone "gets" him. He doesn't have to explain himself. He can be himself completely.

My current conundrum is bridging the two. As a Mom, I want him to be invited even to parties of the "normal" kids, the non-spectrum kids.

I want him to be comfortable negotiating both worlds.

It is getting better. He is in a church youth group, he plays Y basketball, he plays saxophone in the beginner band.

One of these days he will be invited to one of those parties. We will all rejoice.

= = = = = =

(photo by Michelle Guerrerro)

follow me on twitter: @juliejordanscott

Exploding the Self-conscious-ometer to Find Beauty Was and Is Always Here #Reverb10

Reverb10 offered this prompt by Karen Walrond today:

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I used to wonder where my "Julie-ness" came from in my family. I always felt so different from everyone else.

I have always been intuitive and have always been ready to morph myself according to others expectations.

It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I awakened to this reality and chose to change it.

2010 has, in fact, been a breakthrough year in this area.

Read these words I wrote back in July:

>>>>

I was called "a romantic" in a newspaper article this year.
When I first read those words, I felt a little pinch on my
self-conscious-ometer.

You know that device: the one that says. "I am different from
the norm and people think I am more than slightly weird or wacky
or perhaps quirky and when they think that, they slap labels on
my forehead which make me feel uncomfortable. This makes me
frown and fret." Lately I have gotten much better at celebrating
those aspects of myself which used to make my self-conscious-ometer
go wild.

I think the last time the self-conscious-ometer was nudged,
it exploded and set me free.

>>>>

It is usually self consciousness that has kept me from expressing myself fully. When I am being 1000% myself and am present in the moment, I act without worrying. I do things like say YES to making music videos that will be on MTV2 for an international audience... oh, yeah, while running down a dirt road in a rather ragged section of town when my wardrobe consists of a dirtied up bra and pajama pants, barefoot. And having a blast.

I choose to get into the river, fully dressed, so that I can feel the cold mountain run off surround me and take me over because "the river called me" and besides, I might get a poem or a great photo out of the experience.

I make voice mail greetings that are different from everyone else, I wear lots of hats, I sing aloud as I walk down the street, the language I use is different - with fun, unusual words seasoning the room. I speak cinnamon and cilantro rather than everyone else's salt-and-pepper.

When the Self-Conscious-Ometer exploded, I was no longer kept in a box created by other people's thoughts or opinions. Guess what? They are only thoughts and opinions! The people who love me love ME for all my quirks and zanyness. I have discovered people actually love me MORE because of my quirks and zanyness.

For 2011, I want to manifest continued personal growth in this area: to continue to honor my uniqueness as well as the uniqueness of the others who share my life, like my children. In writing this post, I found these words from the not-so distant past, when I was struggling with depression in 2008 and about to fire a therapist who belittled me and my Julie-ness, I wrote this:

>>>>

People are so ready to "not get" who we are and are
so prepared to put us into boxes, to cover those boxes
with labels and mark the job "done" that they forget
none of us fit into boxes, we are shaped like human
beings, not cardboard squares or rectangles.

I spent the earlier years of my life trying to boxify
myself, the last thing I would want to do is go back
to that life.

I look at my children, each one so unique and so proud
of having individual flair. The fact that I helped make
them strong in this flamboyant celebration of "me-ness"
is among my most proud parenting accomplishments.

>>>>

There is still the occasional complaint about this, especially from Emma who says things like, "All my life I always wanted to fit in and be like everyone else. How can I do that with a mother like YOU?!"

In wobbly moments of insecurity, it almost makes me want to change back to what I was pretending to be.

Until I get a flicker of "And I wouldn't have you any other way, Mom..." from a previous conversation.

Earlier in this blog post I mentioned speaking the language of cinnamon-and-cilantro as an indication of my uniqueness.

What unique language do you write and speak?