As I prepare
to write my Wishcasting entry, I can’t help but hear a chorus of voices from my
past, intoning slight variations along the theme of “You just can’t do anything
in a small way, can you?”
The “small
way” tended to include either a facial or a vocal jeer or both and I always
ended up feeling somehow less than even if I had accomplished something unique,
visionary or just more out there than most people are comfortable with, but the
jeers left a lasting scar on my psyche. That scarred kid doesn’t want to post
my wish, doesn’t want to admit the lengthy process I took to getting to my wish
because I just checked and a whole slew of you dove right into the wish without
risking life, limb or burning down your homes.
This wish
question has actually been burning through me since I first read it, which was
at about one a.m. before I went to bed. I was thinking it might be a simple
prompt and I could be one of the first wishcasters.
I knew I
wouldn’t be writing until much later in the day. In fact, as I sit to write
this post, it is nearly twelve hours away.
The first
thing that popped into my head was a concept I learned when I trained as a Life
Coach – the Be-Do-Have Model. The “have” is the result, in this model. It is
normally a tangible and it is what we get dependent upon what actions we take
in simply being the person we are. Simple enough, right?
Yes. And no.
Last week our
wishcasting question was “What do you wish to experience?” and I shared about
my wish to experience “freedom” – I could very easily switch it up and say “I
want to have freedom” but to me, freedom is a concept – not something tangible.
It isn’t something I can hold on to and yes, it can be experienced but I can’t
hold it, I can’t contain it.
I read my
second paragraph in last week’s wishcast and it pointed to my struggle.
When I look at
the “have” part of “be-do-have” I look at how well I have done with my bank
account: how much money I have saved, how many clients I have, how many
students are in my classes, what is left over at the end of the month, how much
stuff I have been able to offer my children…. and since my brother died and Mom
got sick and Sam got diagnosed, my
focus has changed.
Quite frankly,
I am sick of singing that song and am now restoring my former dreams of
“having” – my most basic wish for “having” includes (and has included for a
long, long time) having $25,000 dollars in spendable, accessible cash in three
bank accounts, flowing in and flowing out all the time.
It has been my
formula since I started my Coaching business and I have always loved it. It
worked until life fell apart. All of a
sudden, it lost its importance during the crisis times. Now, having seems almost foreign.
I also
realized through the work I have been doing for the last week or so that I have
a life-long pattern to break here – where at the moment I am at the top of my game, it
holds steady for a bit and then crashes. My dream is blasted to pieces, oftentimes
taking me by complete surprise.
This happened
as early as the fifth grade for me.
If I look back
and am honest, this happened when I was thirteen months old – or at least a
variation of it did.
I did some
journaling on having. I created a statement and some art around I felt was
powerful about “what I wish to have” and decided to create a ritual around it
as well. I felt unsettled still.
Here is my
wish: I wish to have – $25, 000 flowing
in and out of three accounts which comes as the result of ©doing what I love which
comes from ©being who I am meant to
be….
(A bridge to understanding, awareness)
I wish to be
conscious of the plenty, grateful for the plenty, generous with the plenty. I
wish to experience financial prosperity in every aspect of my life.
I decided I
would take one of the hearts bearing my statement and burn it, offering its
loveliness to divinity – as if to merge my wish with the Divine. I wanted to be
sure to get a photo, too, ofcourse – since this is me, and I put the corner of
the heart into my vanilla candle and the heart erupted in my hand.
I managed to
snap a photo before I hurriedly put it out, but there was a moment where pure
fear grabbed my heart. I wondered, just briefly, if I would even have
a house when this ritual was complete.
I still wasn’t
ready to write my wish.
I went to my
weekly Expressive Painting session at the Art and Spirituality Center at Mercy
Hospital and brought along my wishcrafting materials. I painted. And painted.
And painted.
I noticed I was
painting from the bottom of the painting up this week. I wrote a line without
thinking, “Grace fills your brush”. I painted infinity signs, sort of. They
were green. I put layers of infinity symbols within layers of infinity symbols.
I watched the paint reaching up and up and up and then I did something
counter-intuitive: I added water and allowed it to drip.
I surrendered
to the paint, I surrendered to the water, I surrendered to this wish.
It is an
ancient wish that goes beyond the tangible having, it is an ancient wish that
is sacred, tying in generosity, gratitude, and the sacred art of giving and
receiving.
When I go to the art and spirituality center, I leave my paintings behind. They
are wet when I leave, so it is wiser and besides, it helps me with detachment.
This week was difficult though, and I felt the tears rising in my throat as I
said goodbye to Sister Sherry. I whispered, choked voice toning, “It is
difficult to leave it…”
I took photos
of my wish-painting and they don’t hold the energy for me yet, the belief of
pending loss feels so heavy, I can’t feel the grace I felt during the sacred
creative process. Remember, the pattern has been, “When at the top of the game,
it all crashes down.”
My leaving it
behind and surrendering to the being at the top and surrendering to it all
crashing down is a part of the wish. Somehow I am getting as I work through
this process that being satisfied regardless of crash and regardless of top
status is what will bring the concrete wish of having – $25, 000 flowing
in and out of three accounts which comes as the result of ©doing
what I love which comes from ©being who I am meant to be….
(A bridge
to understanding, awareness)
Wow. That
is some powerful stuff.
Thank you,
Jamie and fellow wishcasters.
What do you
wish to have?
Julie Jordan Scott publishes her ezine, the Daily Passion Activator, which includes an Essay and a Poem every week day - inspiration delivered directly into your email box. Why not Subscribe today? It's free.
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