Julie Unplugged

Such a Beautiful Girl

Beautiful girl
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

Oh, Emma - how I love you.

I remember when I held you up to my shoulder - less than 24 hours old - and I spoke a pledge to you. I hadn't spoken a pledge to your sister, I didn't say a pledge to your brother... it was only to you.

I will be here for you, I said. We will do this, together.

I look into your precious face and I see so much of my blood coarsing across your face that it makes me even more worried. I know the pain I feel, the emotions I bear on my sleeve - the way I leave myself open and vulnerable... like Joan of Arc, wearing white on the battle field, I sometimes feel like I invite pain, like I have some sort of morbid fascination with ache.

I remember talking to your first grade teacher about how sensitive you are, like me, and we both cried, she and I.

I see the sunlight in your hair here, it was a foggy, hazy morning.

I think... oh, world, please be kind to her.

Please, people - be open to her unique-ness.

Love, come to know her. Stand beside her, within her.

Love - Her - Love.

My baby, not so much a baby anymore.

Katherine reads... about her brother

Katherine reads
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

You can see the plastic chair almost hooked over Katherine's foot. It's just another sign of Sam's Asperger's. He loves to line things up in categories.

If you were to walk through my house right now, you would see some odd configurations of things.

My personal favorite is the stacks of canned dog food with the bag of cat food balanced on top. These are all pet foods and since Sam's job is to feed the pets, this is significant.

Katherine, as usual, takes all of this in stride. Unbeknownst to me, she started reading "From the Border: A Mother's Memoir of Her Autistic Son" by Jane Taylor McConnell, a book I checked out from the Hearts Connection Library.

Paul McConnell is similar to Sam in many ways and Katherine was immediately drawn into the stories held in the pages... and I think it gave her both a secret hope and a comfort that she isn't alone in this.

And then, there is the purple chair. What is not to love about a comfy chair that hugs you as you read and is purple, too?

Autumn Leaves in Bakersfield

Autumn Leaves in Bakersfield
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

It was a disenchanting day. We started with a power outage and grumpiness. We couldn't find Emma's shoes, the only breakfast I could make was cereal since I couldn't cook without the power... and it was taking forever to be restored... or so it felt.

I was on the phone with people regarding Sam's educational situation and feeling frustrated to the nth degree...

And then - I remembered I wanted to take a self portrait for the Flickr self portrait goal with autumn leaves in the background. I ad seen a beautiful flood of flowers by the Guild House, Downtown, and watned to use them as a backdrop.

Sam loves the self timer on my camera. He was patient and interested as I tested and balanced my camera on the hood of my trusty Ford Explorer. I experimented with a Rumi book (what other book, I ask you?) my camera bag... not quite.. and then a combo of my flash drive and my keys... just so and set the timer and hunch down a bit to fit in the frame and

Beep beep beep beep... fla-flash!!!

And we got this fabulous shot. The smiles are so real because they ARE real... as it is such a silly, enjoyable process.

I adore the outcome, too.

How I love my Sam!

Am I Done Yet?

Am I Done Yet?
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

This photo really says how I feel today. It is supposed to be about my writing, since I know NaNoWriMo is coming up and may be exhausting at times.

But what my eyes are really saying is... when will Sam's educational plan begin? How much longer do I have to hang in limbo?

I know the educational establishment has their bureaucratic stuff to do, but if the school system had done their job last Spring we wouldn't be in this situation today.

I am emotionally beat up. I need to learn my lines. I need to prepare to do the evening kid schlepping... Emma has rehearsal, etc.

May I cry please? I feel another cry coming on.......

SP 37/365 worried, unthinking, hairtwirling

SP 37/365 worried, unthinking, hairtwirling
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

There is something... different afoot from my goal of taking a self portrait every day for 365 days. I am only into month 2 and I am needing to be ultra aware and/or ultra creative in order to hold my attention, much less the attention of anyone else.

Today something very exciting happened - someone marked one of my photos as a "favorite" - and it was one that I just decided to shoot because it was something I hadn't done before... me twirling my braid... a nervous habit I have had probably forever.

So I caught it - myself - on camera. And now I share it - all - by tattling on myself here.

Sam's Eyes

Sam's Eyes
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

I always pray that my children trust me.

I worry, perhaps too much, that they won't, that I will do something stupid or hurtful or somehow... lose their trust.

Sometimes when I pick Sam up he does this thing where he just leans into me and completely trusts me to hold him rather than making any effort to "hold onto" me.

I read that this may be a function of Austism.

I don't know why, but I felt much better when I thought it was a choice to trust me to hold him up, to trust me to take care of him, to trust me to enjoy his quirkiness rather than squelch it.

He got upset this morning because the dog food labels weren't facing out. He likes to stack up the cans, and because feeding Hank is his job, he lifts the top can off and hands it to me to take off the top and then he feeds a grateful Hank, which helps Sam to feel very accomplished.

The top label wasn't perfectly aligned with the others.

I used to think this was Sam's logical, engineering nature that made him do this. After all, his Great-Grandpadaddy had a Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering before this was a brand new profession.

Now I read that rigidity is yet another echo of autism.

I am thinking ok, it may be part of the autism, but more than that... it is his logical, organized, engineering side, too.

He isn't autism. He has some form of autism. The more I learn, the more I see the variety of labels he may eventually be given is as varied as the colors of the rainbow.

I need to take Katherine to her babysitting job.

Just look at those eyes. They are my eyes, too.

Diamond Residue from Tears

Diamond Residue from Sam's "
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

I was reviewing my photos on Flickr and came across this one. I adore this photo for so many reasons.

Right now, I feel like the droplets covering the pine tree leaves could be indicative of all the tears I have cried since I discovered Sam's diagnosis.

Then I step back and really look and see the beauty there.

One of Sam's Asperger quirks is his fascination with Car Washes. Sometimes when I have no desire to go to the carwash, I will turn the sprinkler on and he sits in the car and watches the water fall onto the windshield and the sunroof. I noticed this morning this event left diamond-water-droplets on the pine tree. Sam gives me many blessings, including this.

Why is it?

SP 23/365 - Thanks to tball0524 for an assist
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

I count the days since
I have succumbed to the
Will to write, to reach, to touch
You with words - I have
On purpose -
Been silent on paper
On keyboard
On notebooks

I closed the last one
And there are no new ones
No emails, no messages
The only something has been
The thought, the exclamation

"I haven't spoken into
My pencil, my keyboard....
to you...."

SP 24/365 - Silent, Again

SP 24/365
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

A tear leaked from my eye
Which I didn't know had fallen
Until it coursed down my cheek
And found its way down my face
This face which I am slowly
Coming to call beautiful

I look at my reflection
Held in place by faux brass
Mirror, shadow, blue eyes
encased in memory, in recollection
In motionless space and form

Listening to the music
You gave me these tunes.. ones
That set my poetry free in
Voices.
Performance.
Real.
Live Characters Portraying
The very real
You and me

The tear completed its slide
The song stopped singing
My fingers rest on the keyboard
Silent, again.

Gifts from me to you to me to you

4/365 - Prayerful morning
Originally uploaded by juliejordanscott

Today I received a gift which I now offer back to you.

Here - take the gift of wonder, freely given and up to you to receive.

Consider, for just a moment - the time it takes to inhale and exhale mindfully. Hear it now, the wonder I offer.

It is the wonder of the birds, singing, the dogs, barking, the sound of the tires on the pavement as they drive by.

Consider the simple wonder in the scent of sausages and pancakes… the sight of a child stirring pancake batter with enrapt concentration.

Behold, with wonder the water rising in the washing machine as you load clothes.

I hold, and pause in wonder at the sweet satisfaction of seeing thoughts rise into words and my heart bleeding onto the page… into a space of love and healing and form.

So blessed, so blessed am I.

May my paltry offerings be even the slightest bit satisfying to divinity. May I continue to be present, to love, to hope, to you, to wonder.