I'm Frightened - Version Number 1 of the Magpie #34

I found this fascinating. I wrote this version of the poem first and then let it ruminate. I didn't look at it again and then I wrote a second version which you may find here. I am wondering (and you don't need to be compelled to respond to my question) What do you think of the two of them, both separately and together?

 


Was it in New York?
Camping, all six kids
Mom and Dad and two tents
Coleman stoves and lanterns
and boys at the horse races
girls with mom, hanging
out and telling stories about
boys and hopes and dreams

and little boys, asleep
one of the few "girl times"
I remember

the lantern catching fire
in flames shooting up toward
mom the smell, camp lighter fluid
the fear in my blood the glue
holding my eyes to the flame
the panic my mother held in
her fingers the disappearance
from the memory of my sister
the darkness everywhere except
for the flame

I'm frightened

Written for Mag #34 from Magpie Tales, a writing prompt blog I am drawn to week after week. THANK YOU WILLOW!

Comments

[jinksy]

There's a greater sense of urgency in this original version. In the second one, the words 'sort of' were out of place, I thought - didn't sit happily with the rest of the poem... Hope you can take an honest comment! :)

[Dr.FTSE]

I tend to agree with the comment from Jinksy. I think your version here conveys the greater sense of both urgency and the child's terror.

[Jingle]

awesome tale,
beautiful usage of the light and the darkness beyond the light, the missing of a sister in one's feeling...
love your work on this one very fondly.

[Kristen Haskell]

Okay the first one here left me feeling frightened. I said when I read it OMG then I read the other one and I just did not have that strong of a reaction. I like version one better.

[brian]

whew you put us riht in there...it got my heart pumping as well and leaves me to wonder what happened next...nice magpie

[Lyn]

The first version is full of fear and emotion..a narrative, subjective. The second version is crisper, pared down..objective. Different..talk about revision!! Nice...

[Sender UpWords]

Nice Mag. Saying more would be a disservice. Love and Light, Sender

[ms pie]

ohhh, i commented on the other one...

[Rene Foran]

this one captivates me while the other version couldn't hold my interest.

it seemed like the rough draft that led you to this version, which is wonderful.

[Reflections]

Nicely written, the power, the fear, pulls greater here.