I read Jamie
Ridler’s Wishcasting prompt and in response I sat, wordless.
It was one of
the first things I did this morning after I woke up and attempted
(unsuccessfully at first) to make coffee. I did my Wednesday morning ritual of
checking in with my wishing buddies.
I visited my
fellow Wishcasters and thought, “They get it, they know” what they want to
envision. Still, I sat, wordless.
Here it is,
nearly midday. Wordless.
I am about to
take Samuel to his afternoon social skills program. Dishes are in the sink,
laundry is in the wash, Cameron is waiting to run an errand with me when I
would rather be alone.
I think that
is my M.O. actually. I am craving solitude.
Perhaps my
envisioning is as simple as that, I am blocked because I need solitude so badly
my skin is crawling. Or maybe my whining about solitude is an excuse for not taking it on, not
swashbuckling or crawling or gnashing my teeth through this Wishcast.
Yes, I think –
what we are looking at here is a component of THE THAT.
Dare I write,
dare I share what is itching my fingertips as I type?
You know, THE
THAT which we don’t talk about
because it isn’t nice or it “might block us from attracting what we want” or
“nice people don’t talk about THE THAT, Julie” or “Don’t you know
better, as a life coach, to let people know about THE THAT which
you carry on your shoulders, day in and day out?”
In my life
experience there are two forms of wordlessness: the form which is above
language and is someplace between transcendence and ecstasy and deep creative
flow which feels like prayer, worship or the dancing a sufi or other spiritual
dance, singing a song without lyrics that you can feel what you mean but you
aren’t able to speak what you mean. Yet.
And then there
is the wordless place that wreaks of stubborn, don’t want to go there no, don’t
even think about shining that flash light here, buddy, because you might not
like what you see… sort of wordlessness.
Today, this
Wishcast Prompt nudged me headlong into the latter and I may speak some things
here that you would rather not see because perhaps, you have some places like
this in your own life you would rather not face or you would rather think I
lead a life of chronic giggles and giddiness.
It isn’t so.
And I am grateful its not so.
So here is
what I wish to envision.
I wish to
envision a life that is independent of any one else’s financial contribution, especially when those
contributions are tied to conflicting intentions and claims to my life because
of the continued financial dependence.
I wish to
envision a life where the value on what I offer is high enough to not only
support me, but support me comfortably so I may live without fear of tightness
or constriction a la “the end of the month blues.” I wish to envision (and make real) that long-term financial goal I
have had that I lived, albeit briefly but that I lived – so my “on my terms”
life flowed right along and I was free to create, free to travel, free to
invest, free to play without depending on anyone or anything else.
I wish to
envision a life at my Creativity Camp and Artist’s retreat… well, actually,
that has changed, too. I want to do a traveling Creativity Camp, where I bring
Camp to people in their home communities so they may learn they don’t have to
“go away” to be creative adventurers. I do still wish to live in an Artist’s
retreat/colony/intentional community. I envision this, clearly – a group of
interdependent souls.
It isn’t as if
in the first part of this wishcast I want to cut myself off from “my people” I
simply do not want to be dependent. I want to be free of dependence – and be
able to offer myself into interdependent, mutually collaborative life ventures.
I wonder if
any of this is making sense?
I wish to
envision a living space where Samuel and Emma feel cherished, an educational
environment that allows them to be 1000% themselves and ignites their minds,
first and foremost.
My biggest THE
THAT’S have been this financial hold some one else has upon me and the
reality of life with a special needs child… and I think it is especially
because as Samuel does better and better, he looks less and less like a special
needs child which is fantastic and yet, the reality is – I put substantial
effort into keeping him centered, whole, happy and in spaces that sustain his
learning and appreciate him for who he is in all his uniqueness and help him
grow.
So many times
I have heard people say, “I didn’t realize he was on the spectrum”. This was
the problem with his education, because the “educational professionals”
insisted they were dealing with a brat rather than a disability.
I wish to be
in a space where disabilities aren’t disavowed, they simple are. Aren’t we all “disabled”
or “differently abled” in some way?
This wishing
became a lot longer than I had expected.
Good stuff has
happened because of the wishing, though, even in simply the writing.
I am able to
wish here whatever the heck I need to wish or feel compelled to wish.. and I
believe, I feel, I know that there are people out there reading whose hearts
will wooosh open a little, knowing it is safe to talk openly about the that’s
we might not have talked about openly before.
I wish to
envision a world where we may all speak, authentically, without worry or
concern of what others might think or
say to others or misunderstand.
Without
worrying any more, I am simply going to wish…
I wish…..
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