Julie Unplugged

Lyved, #3 - Am I Doing What I Really Want to Do?

The third question from Lyved.com.

 

It has been a “shake your fist” in the air day, or more accurate would say, a “shake your fist” in the air week or fortnight or month.

 

Am I Doing What I Really Want to Do?

 

That was my lyved question today. I started writing it earlier this morning, on my porch, when tears were greeting the dawn. It didn’t feel like I was doing what I really wanted to do yet a part of me knew it was yet another part of the process.

 

This is going to be a short envy, partially because I want to get it done and my unwillingness to engage the question completely is aggravating and frustrating me.

 

My aim is to turn this around by this time next week.

 

I will be in Dana Point then,  turning my tears of frustration into tears of something else.

 

Watch with me, here.

The Courage to Be Afraid of the Dark - Daily Passion Activator/October 6, 2009

By Julie Jordan Scott

 

It surprises people to hear that I am still afraid of the dark.

 

Well, I can negotiate my way around it, but I would rather not be put into the space where it is required of me. I don’t like darkness if I do not have a safety net of light right at my fingertips.

 

My heart pounds and my palms sweat when darkness falls and I am left, unable to control anything in my surroundings.

 

I am more than a bit fearful even making this confession.

 

Most people see me as not only courageous, but a bearer of light both in my words and in my being. If I stepped outside myself, I would report the same thing. I am bold, most of the time. I am the personification of light, most of the time.

 

Yesterday I found a couple quotes, side-by-side, with the same theme of the juxtaposition of light and darkness.. Here, see what I mean:

 

“Look how a single candle can both defy and define the darkness.”
- Anne Frank

 

“You live through the darkness with what you learned in the light.”
Hope MacDonald

 

This morning I felt a nudge, a push toward my writing history. I wasn’t sure why, exactly. I thought it was because just yesterday I took two poems from the same dates in 2008 and 2009 to create a brand new “mash” poem according to the prompt on ReadWritePoem.Org.

 

I enjoyed it and thought, “Let me see what I was writing a year ago.”

 

There, I found it.

 

I found what I had forgotten.

 

Ironic that the quotes I found yesterday and reopened immediately prior to this walk into recollection were along the theme of darkness and light.

 

Here is what I found:

 

October 3, 2007: the day Samuel received his first, official, autistic spectrum diagnosis.

 

I had forgotten the date.

 

In August I was preparing for a poetry performance and I realized I hadn’t written any poetry about our adventures on the Spectrum. Since then, I have written two poems about life with Samuel, life as a Mom whose child just happens to be on the autistic spectrum.

 

It isn’t that I minimized or forgot the prayers I wrote or the sacred moments of love Samuel and I have shared before and since that date, it is more that the residual, on-going pain coupled with the intense experience of writing poetry felt like it would be too much for me to bear.

 

I didn’t think I could write poetry along these themes nor did I think I had the courage to perform them. See how this is like being afraid of the dark, even as one others see as a consistent bearer of light?

 

I sat down in my writing group this morning and more discoveries broke through my words.

 

“I see the clouds in the water and the clouds in the sky, the same and different and I am the one who stands, sits, kneels in prayer at this point of connection between heaven and Earth, river water and clouds.

 

“I am the one who is unafraid of being afraid. I am the one who accepts the cold without the luxury of a jacket, who allows her white sneakers to sink into the mire without screeching or fighting. I am the one who laughs and cries, who bleeds, puts on band aids, breaks into splinters and raises into a sling. I am the one who waits, watches, who smells the leaves returning to the soil, who gets frustrated and yet loves deeply while scowling, forgiving me and you, simultaneously.”

 

I have lived a lot of darkness and I have always eventually had the courage it takes to choose to see the light. I can confess to being afraid of the dark, sure. It is part of my life story, as much as the brown spot in my left (blue) eye is a part of my life story.

 

The rest of my story is, I walk into the darkness with a sense of determination and vigor in the soles of my feet. I might not like what I am called to do yet I do it.

 

I may be dragging my feet or kicking and screaming on the inside, but with my chin raised, I move forward – issuing an invitation to others in the dust cloud my marching feet create.

 

Have you opened your invitation yet?

 

 

 

Julie's ezine, the Daily Passion Activator, includes an Essay and a Poetry every week day - inspiration delivered directly into your email box - Why not Subscribe today? It's free.

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Am I "Nice"? - another question from Lyved

Am I nice? That question makes me laugh.

 

Well - _laugh_ is that  too “nice”?  Maybe I am responding to the word “nice”with disdain because I don’t value “little miss nicey nice” one of my alter egos.

 

Nice is the PTA President, welcoming the kindergarten moms to the fundraising committee meeting. “Nice” is that long, drawn out “iiiii” sound with a modern day Arthur Fonzarelli checking out a young woman in tight jeans.

 

Am I nice in either one of those ways? No. I am thoughtful, usually. I am compassionate, most of the time. I am hospitable.

 

I have moments in my history which are definitely not nice at all. Mean, horrid, “are you serious grown up mean girl material?” No, not in my way.

 

Let’s just say there are moments in time I still feel shame when I think of them. Appropriate shame. Shame that is well placed in my soul. Shame that says, “let’s work on this, let’s find a way because the way you have been moving along isn’t right.”

 

I remember when I was going into the fourth grade. For whatever reason. I decided to spread ugly meanness about the two girls I played with the most, two little girls whose houses were within a stones throw from my house.

 

We were a year apart. I was the eldest and perhaps it was the combination of being older and always liked and their proximity, which felt safe in being mean. I knew, somhow, no matter how mean I got, it was a “safe” mean.

 

I remember one of the mothers lovingly confronting me: the conversation lasted maybe five minutes and it changed my behavior for a lifetime.

 

I wonder if I would have become a quintessential mean girl if it wasn’t for that conversation. Perhaps its karma, and that’s why two and four years later I lost my friends en masse and then lost my friends again.

 

The average person might describe me as “nice”… shivering.

 

It is such a non-descript, unscented word. I don’t care if people think I am nice, after all. Or do I?

 

I would rather be interesting, quirky, unconventional, funny, curious or as my friend recently said, “spiritual and poetic” which is much better than nice.

 

 

How To Make Life Interesting - More than the "G" word - Daily Passion Activator

By Julie Jordan Scott

 

 

Some of my friends are uncomfortable with the “G” word. You know, Goals. They think they are too constrictive or uncomfortable or just all around unpleasant.

 

I prefer to look at goals as possibilities – and by stating what possibilities I hope for and walk toward in my life, I am able to actively create life changing shifts.

 

Without goals, there are many interesting twists and turns that would not have happened at all. I wonder sometimes if this favorite long-ago goal would have had such a positive income if I didn’t allow myself to fail at it for so many years.

 

Seriously: I have lost track of how many years I had an active goal on my list that went something like this, “Have lunch or coffee with a friend at least once weekly.” For many years, I struggled and rarely reached this milestone.

 

Last week as I penciled in my fourth consecutive day which included social engagements I smiled back to that long-ago goal.

 

I find I am much more productive and life is a lot more rich when I interact with my friends, face-to-face, on a regular basis which is not dense with “gotta-do’s” in our reason-for-togetherness.

Sure, if that is all that holds you together, “gotta-do’s” will work, but much better is getting together for an hour or so just because you like each other. Day before yesterday, I called on several friends to help me run lines for “How I Learned to Drive,” the show I am in at The Empty Space here in Bakersfield which opens this coming Friday.

 

For three days in a row, friends have met me and helped me memorize and practice my lines, something I don’t want to do with my children for this particular production and it is a great excuse to meet friends for coffee or a smoothie or tea.

 

Lillian Carter said, “If I had one wish for my children, it would be that each of them would reach for goals that have meaning for them as individuals.”

 

Yesterday, Katherine and I were driving to a local discount store to get her something for a school project and to spend some time alone together. A sultry convertible turned the corner in front of us.

 

“I want a convertible BMW when I turn fifty,” pronounced Katherine.

 

“Wow, you have that planned in advance, don’t you?” I spoke, sort of addressing her and sort of just being in wonder.

 

“Well, I want it to be at a significant birthday. Fifty sounds good to me.”

 

I have a feeling she will remember this goal, just like she remembers her many goals about grades and SAT/ACT scores, college applications and remembering to enjoy the moment.

 

I smiled to myself thinking one of the reasons Katherine has put this goal into her vision and into practice is because I consistently talk about my goals – for the big stuff – fancy cars and extravagant vacations – and the little stuff, like writing haiku on Fridays.

 

My children know what I am up to goal wise.

 

They cheer me on and I encourage them to create goals, the more unique and memorable, the better.

 

Elizabeth Stuart Phelps said, “What an immense power over the life is the power of possessing distinct aims. The voice, the dress, the look, the very motions of a person, define and alter when he or she begins to live for a reason.”

 

Aims, goal, purpose, reason: simply make life consistently more interesting.

 

© 2009

 

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"Why Not Me?" Lyved Question #1: October 4, 2009

Why not me?

 

I decided to write my responses to the 75 Lyved questions here on my blog. I think they are interesting, but more than that - offer fodder for other writers, even if you only write in your mind.

 

 

 

I tend to think responses to this question more readily than her sister, “Why me?” which tends to strike me as a whine, a spiraling, chest beating, aggravating adolescent question.

 

“Why not me?” is an open door, a chance to pause looking out – with the option of venturing forth or sitting back down with a cup of tea to contemplate.

 

I think of conversations with theatre friends, as an example.

 

I am genuinely surprised to be cast in any production, universally. I never, don’t think I will ever, expect to be cast in something. In fact, I realize that may be a part of my lack of experience with “Why not me?” because I rarely expect anything.

 

I rarely attach myself to either side coming up on the “choice” side – you know, heads or tails; purple or yellow; big band loud or rapper loud. I can find the wonder in any of these choices. If I am not cast in a production rather than saying, “Why not me?” I look for other involvements that are perhaps a better option for me.

 

This way of being is countercultural, I think, in that people don’t expect the content, “Not me? Thank you for  the consideration – and hey, do you have some binoculars so I can peek at my horizon to see what’s out there, instead?”

 

I guess that is a part of it – subtract the “Why” from the detached “Not me?” and it feels better to me, energetically.

 

I am sure after I put this question away from my conscious mind, more will pop. Perhaps I will revise and perhaps, I will be busy with other questions. This is a valuable one, most definitely.

 

“Why?”

“Not?”

 

“Me?”

 

I think I will inquire of my heart these three words, separately.

 

 

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© 2009 – Julie Jordan Scott

Keep Your Festive Spirit Alive on Friday, December 4: Be Ultra Productive with Passion Activator Friday -

The holidays are exhausting - so much to do on top of what you have on your list when life is business as usual...

 

Well, there is no "Business as Usual" on selected Fridays of the month when like-- minded, like-hearted souls gather to create an energetic power house of "getting stuff done" not in a rush-rush-rush way, but in a passionate, active, conscious way.

 

You can have this kind of energy rush, too, in simply crossing things off your to-do list (perhaps, you have been putting them off as I was!)  when we gather in community once again on December 4.

 

Simply call this number: 1(218) 486-1600 with the pin 355994 at 45 minutes after the hour starting at 6:45 AM Pacific time.. and be connected with people who are getting stuff done, with grace, passion and a lot of laughter.

 

You may read on if you like, but all you have to do to have a productive, playful and inspirational Friday is to write the number down and call it! We are looking so forward to meeting you and activating your passion with you...

 

Tales from earlier Passion Activator Fridays:

It is Monday morning and I had such a busy week-end I didn’t know how long it would take me to catch up on my piles of paper and busy work left over from last week that wasn’t done because the week preceding my hectic week-end was even busier still.

I get breathless thinking about how nervous I was about this until I did something very important.

I made a list of what I needed to work on and I set my kitchen timer.

It is the same thing I do on Fridays during our Passion Activator Friday sessions – make a list, gather up my friends to quickly check in on our collected lists and then scram! We race away and are like laser beams of productivity for that hour long chunk of time and then repeat on the :45 minute mark every hour from 6:45 here in California until 2:45 in California.

It is simple and it works!

I was giggling at myself this morning because the dread of starting was palpable primarily because I thought it would take forever to make a dent in the to-do’s.

Isn’t that how it usually happens?

Well – today I knew I had to do something differently…

So unlike Passion Activator Fridays where we work at hour long ridiculously productive sessions, I am working on thirty minute ridiculously productive sessions.

And guess what just happened?

My timer went off.

Time to move to the next thing.

And it feels so good!

You can have this kind of energy rush, too, when we gather in community this Friday, November 20.

We offer more than a "Day of Action" or an "Integrity Day"... when we get together to plow through our "To-Do's" we "Get 'Er Done" with laughter, community and joy. 

 

My playful, creative juice, love-to-laugh self feels much more inspired by taking a day and activating it with passion… so that is what we do, those of us who get together for some time on any random Friday and get busy with the tasks on our to-do list and we use/serve each other to bring whatever is on our to-do list into form. Passionately, ofcourse, so the experience isn’t heavy or uncomfortable or filled with gottas, haftas or “Oh please, not that!” energy.

 

After plentiful requests, our next Passion Activator Friday of the season will be held December 4, 2009 - right in the comfort of your home, office, classroom - or wherever you happen to be via the magic of teleconference lines.

 

Listen to what the folks said who participated on October 9:

 

 

Passion Activator Friday is a fantastic tool for those who work from their homes on their own to connect with others of like hearts-minds-souls and face the beginning of the weekend with a ton of stuff accomplished. People who work for others join in, too - because they know the power of shared intention... and also know this offers an enjoyable way to check stuff off the to-do list!

 

Here is how it works:

 

We connect via Teleconference Line each hour. I like to make it on the forty five minute mark – starting at 6:45 AM Pacific time and going until 2:45 Pacific time.

We meet for about ten minutes, max, per hour, during which time people report in on their successes (or not-so-effectiveness) and set their intention for the next hour. We cheer, laugh and encourage each other.

 

Not everyone shows up for every hour. That’s ok, too.

 

 You can start when you can, end when you can, or just pop in for one hour.

We do hope, however, that you WILL show up. Mix some passion into your To-Do list. Discover some intriguing people out there who are working to make the world a better place.

 

To get the telephone number to call and more complete instructions, simply drop me an email – the address is “juliejordanscott at hotmail.com” Put “Passion Activator Friday” in the subject line, and I will return the information to you and put you on our guest list  for November 20.

 

Wow. I am energized just thinking about it!

 

Affirmative nods to beloved Passion Activator LaKeitha Simmons for continuing to kick me in the bottom to get this going again and Elli Fordyce for being a continual promoter and supporter.

Julie's ezine, the Daily Passion Activator, publishes an Essay and a Poetry every week day - inspiration delivered directly into your email box - Why not Subscribe today? It's free.

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