One Stop Poetry Monday Form Challenge: Shadorma ~ Rewrite of Rainy Jersey + After Amherst

Today's One Stop Poetry Challenge:

Shadorma is a 6 lined poem (sestet) of Spanish descent with no set rhyme scheme. The shadorma is a syllabic poem with the following structure: 3/5/3/3/7/5.

1.Write line one with three syllables
2.Write line two with five syllables
3.Write line three with three syllables
4.Write line four with three syllables
5.Write line five with seven syllables
6.Write line six with five syllables

I wrote two: one a rewrite of a poem by Dustus and the other, a memory of last night with my family in New England.

Rewriting of Dustus' Poem, Rainy Day Jersey

gulp coffee
clear memory drain
it isn't
what wasn't
motorcycle melody
leather jacket song

 

After Amherst 

Miracles
Appear by surprise
You, there, YOU!
Eyes widen
Grateful tears hover here
this day's blissful end

 

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Comments

[dustus]

*gulps coffee* Love what you did with Rainy Day Jersey. You capture a proverbial wake up call through your lines and add excellent imagery at the end. Also, like After Amherst—in particular the emotional content of it and the neat way you repeat "You" at the reader as a shouting attention grabber.
Thank you, Julie

[brian]

very nice...liking the mix of motor cycles and coffee and big smiles at tyour family news...

[shan]

Whoa! Everyone's gone rainy day today. The suns out :( Lovely re write in shadorma form

[Louise]

Loved the rewrite, I like the shadorma form very much, so much said in few words...nice, thanks : )

[Gay]

Rewrite was excellent; I always sort of picture "the boss" singing motorcycle songs too for some reason. The second was equally good. The surprise of a loved one, unexpected always brings tears to my eyes! Thank you. Gay

[Moondustwriter]

I especially love the second Shadorma. time with family - building memories

Thanks for sharing both with One Stop

[Miami refractive surgery]

Nice challenge and the rewrite of these shadorma turn out so cool. I never heard about this Spanish style of poetry, but I am glad I found it here :D