The Day and This Day: Exercise in Writing and Poetry Revision

I am perpetually intrigued with my creative growth, so this challenge from ReadWritePoem.Org to revise a poem sent me to my files for poetry at its anniversary date. This poem was written toward the end of November, 2008 and gave me enough substance to recreate with in a second, tighter draft.

 

It wasn’t too terribly wordy at first, but chopping half from it was a grand exercise in succinct writing as well as defining what was truly important enough to keep.

 

I even changed the title just a smidge.

 

What do you think of these two versions?

 

 

 

The Day: 153 Words, Initial Draft

 

The light catches my eye,
Flirts with me
"The day is new!"
It tells me in that
low, throaty, new
day-sunshine kiss way.

"What are you going to make
of me?" it asks me.

"What shall we create,
together - you and me?"

The Day giggles and
watches my eyes scrinch
up, a bit perplexed.

"What will you remember
about me?"
The Day asks, one eyebrow
raised, making a beam
ricochet from the lowest
branch of the pine-tree.

I hear it then:

Pahrump Pahrump Pahrump

 

I will remember your
sounds, touching my
ears my soul my fingers
typing a poem

I will remember your
scent, of squash and
pie crust, of family
connections and crumblings

I will remember the light
plumes of light in my lens
and in my sometimes prickly
spirit, ohh yes the light

Pahrump Pahrump Pahrump

This is how I will remember you.

© 2008
Julie Jordan Scott

 

 

Draft Two:

 

This Day: 76 Words

 

First light flirts
”This day is new!"
Low, throaty, new
day-sunshine kiss

 

“What will you create?”
it asks me.

Giggles, watches –

 

My perplexed eyes scrinch

 

"What will you remember?”

This  Day asks –

Eyebrow raised

Light ricochets from

Pine tree branch

Listen:

 

Pulse.

 

Pahrump Pahrump Pahrump

Touches my ears

my soul

my fingers

 

Your scent: squash,
pie crust, connections

and crumblings

The light plumes in my lens
and my prickly spirit

 

Pahrump Pahrump Pahrump

I will remember.

 

  

Comments

[Diane M. McKnight]

I like the longer one better, but I tend to be a complicated reader I guess. I like a lot of descriptive things. They are both lovely though.

[Julie Jordan Scott]

Thank you, Diane. I think the longer one tells more and the shorter one leaves more of the imagery open for the reader. It depends on what one wants to create and experience as both the poet and the reader. Thank you for reading along, I appreciate it!

[Julie]

Yes they are both lovely, but I like the shorter one better and the new title.